CARE CHINGADO, TEXAS — At this hour, medical professionals in the Lone Star State are confirming that right-wing commentator, entertainer, and professional conspiracy theorist Alex Jones is in critical condition after his head literally exploded.
“Folks, fam, I am truly conflicted today. Mmore conflicted than when I watched that oiled up Tongan guy during the Olympics opening ceremony,” Jones told his audience this morning, just minutes before his head exploded. “I’m conflicted because as you all know the mainstream media lies about literally everything. If they tell you water is wet, clearly they are in on the chemtrail conspiracy that makes us all BELIEVE water is wet, when really water is an ancient alien tech the government has known about since Hitler and FDR signed their immortality pact, that of course all of us who shun our government education know was very real.”
As much as he doesn’t trust traditional news outlets, Jones said, his inner conflict arose when he found out about the mysterious white powder sent to Donald Trump Jr. yesterday. Reportedly, the substance was not harmful, but Jr’.s wife was taken to the hospital anyway as a precaution after she opened the letter containing the unidentified substance.
“What I don’t understand though, folks, is why the lamestream, Lizard King press is reporting on this story at all, because it doesn’t fit their narrative or agenda,” Jones said. “Which makes me wonder if it’s a false flag. But that would mean Junior’s in on it. And Emperor Daddy’s son wouldn’t ever lie, ever. Unless we’re talking about a meeting with a Russian lawyer, but other than that, he’d never lie. He has no credibility problem whatsoever.”
Jones said the sheer number of conspiracy and counter conspiracy theories was starting to make his brain hurt. He said he could feel his skull get tangibly warmer as he considered whether the news media was making up the incident, whether Donald Trump Jr. was involved in some of what Jones called “super smart counter-conspiratorial” machinations, or if any of the “literally millions of totally plausible story lines” are true.
“The thing is, I can usually sniff out the conspiracy and truth in every story, because I’ve just been gifted with that level of intellect and, frankly genius, fam,” Jones said. “Normally this is the kind of thing that I’d say proves the Deep State, Deep Dish Pizzagate conspiracy I’ve told you about for the last year, but, well, when I think about all the ways this whole thing came to pass, I, do I smell burnt toast?”
In the middle of a fifteen minute, non-stop, one breath rant, things took a turn for the dramatic. Jones was trying to reason out loud what he felt about the story, when doctors say the overload on his neural pathways caused his entire brain to swell to the point that his skull, large as it is, could’t contain it.
“Is this a false flag, or a false flag false flag, or a false false flag flag, or flag false false flag, or, dear Christ help us, just something really terrible that someone did because they’re a prick? Oh dear God, I can’t figure out if I’m supposed to buy the mainstream narrative this time, or if it’s like every other time and now Don Jr.’s been compromised,” Jones said. “And all this…is…too much…for…”
With a sound that could’ve been mistaken for a wet fart, the entirety of Jones’ brain exploded from within its housing.
“Luckily for Mr. Jones and the medical team, he wasn’t working with a full human brain anyway,” Dr. Jim Jambordeaux told reporters. “So it only took us about a minute to locate the actual brain fragments that had once been in his skull. The rest was blood, sinew, and a Confederate flag.”
Doctors expect Jones to recover fully, to the point that his fans might never know the difference.
“Current medical science is that it only takes half a neuron and about a gram of cocaine for the brain to create right-wing propagandized fiction, so we expect Mr. Jones to recover quite nicely, indeed,” Dr. Jambordeaux posited.