John Kelly Wants OJ Simpson To Join The Trump Administration

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources within the White House are today saying that General John Kelly, White House Chief of Staff, is offering an account of the end of Rob Porter’s time in the Trump administration that is, to put it favorably, less than accurate. Questions have arisen about just how much Kelly and President Trump knew about the disturbing allegations of domestic abuse and violence against Porter by two of his ex-wives, both with documented photographic evidence to back up their claims. Kelly has already modified his story of the time line in which the allegations were discovered, reported to the White House by the FBI — subsequently ending Porter’s ability to get top security clearance — and whether or not Kelly urged Porter to stay, even in the face of those allegations.

Now, in an unrelated development, word from within the administration is that Kelly is moving to replace Porter, a senior staff secretary for Trump, with someone who has household name cache.

“Today, General Kelly reached out to Orenthal “OJ” Simpson and asked if he’d like to take Rob Porter’s place in the administration,” one White House aide tells us. “We’re not sure if Mr. Simpson is even interested, but General Kelly recently saw a documentary on his past, and he said he’s the exact kind of guy this administration works best with.”

Simpson, who was released from prison after nine years in Nevada back in October of 2017, also has a past record of domestic violence. Nicole Brown, the woman who he famously tried to relieve of her skull, was married to Simpson for years before he murdered her and a man, Ronald Goldman, who had just been returning her sunglasses after she left them at restaurant he waited tables at. Simpson’s serial alleged abuse of Brown was front and center during his trial, with the prosecution entering 17 years worth of evidence of physical, verbal, and emotional abuse.

Trump Tells Joint Chiefs To Promote Him From Cadet To Major General Bone Spurs

He was ultimately acquitted of both murder charges in the mid-1990’s, but Simpson was later caught up in a scheme to steal back some memorabilia of his athletic career, and was sentenced for theft of those same items. He served nine years of his sentence, and reportedly if he had not been in jail at the time of last year’s inauguration, Kelly would have offered him a role in the administration back then.

“Clearly we have a place for guys like OJ who understand you don’t have to tell a girl with two black eyes nothin’ because you already told her twice,” Kelly was overheard telling Trump, who reportedly laughed so hard he sharted, which he quickly blamed on Barack Obama and Crooked Hillary Clinton.

Though it’s unclear if Mr. Simpson will take Kelly up on his offer, the White House has a few other candidates in mind to replace porter.

“Johnny Depp, Mel Gibson, and Chris Brown are all also on the shortlist, right under OJ,” our source tells us.

This story is developing.

You can read satire like this on Alternative Facts and  The Political Garbage Chute.

More Satire:

Trump Says He Will Release Democrats’ FISA Memo When It Looks Exactly Like The Nunes Memo


  • Show Comments

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

comment *

  • name *

  • email *

  • website *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

You May Also Like

DNC Wants Bernie Sanders to Take Blood Oath and Kiss Chair’s Ring Before Trying to Help the Party Win

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yesterday, several key outlets reported that Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT), has ...

Gabbard Not Ruling Out Turd Party Candidacy

MOSSY COW, NEW HAMPSHIRE — Alleged Democrat Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard told reporters at a ...

Betsy DeVos Is Pretty Sure She’s Heard Of This School Thing You Keep Talking About

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last night, 60 Minutes aired an interview that Leslie Stahl conducted ...

Trump Offers Dems Border Wall Compromise of Giant Retractable Dome

WASHINGTON. D.C. — With the government shut down for over two weeks, and House ...

Poll: Most Americans ‘Totally Cool With’ North Korea Keeping Trump

Yesterday, South Korea announced that after having talks with North Korea, President Donald Trump ...

Missouri Dems Propose Classifying Erections That Precede Abortions as Accessories to Murder

TRAPPEDIN, MISSOURI — Democrats in the Missouri State legislature have proposed a new law that ...