KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — At the annual D.C. prayer breakfast this morning, held by some of the country’s most powerful and influential members of the Religious Right, President Donald Trump said that “America is a nation of believers.”
Though President Trump didn’t lead the room in a prayer himself, if he had, he may not have gotten any reply from Heaven. That’s because Heaven’s CEO, Larry “God” Schumway, told reporters today that a couple of hours before the breakfast, he told his switchboard operator to turn off two lines dedicated to “people like Trump,” God said.
“This morning I told our switchboard operator here in Heaven to turn off both the Sexual Predator and the Despot lines,” Schumway announced. “It was an executive decision and I take the full responsibility, and frankly credit, for it.”
Mr. Schumway explained that while he’s “always more than happy” to take calls from most everyone, he has to “draw a line somewhere.” He said that while still offers “complete and total forgiveness for all sinners,” that people still have to ask for forgiveness, and that he “will not take crank calls from fake Christians” because they’re a waste of his time.
“All people like that apricot colored moron pray for are things like more money, more power, hotter women on his jock, it’s a complete and total farce,” Schumway said.
Another factor in ensuring that no calls would be taken from Trump today, God said, was the fact that he and his executive board are unsure if Trump is even familiar in a cursory way with “a single syllable or page” in the future residents’ guide book he sends to each member of his eternal time share. Anything in the Bible Trump is familiar with, Schumway posited, are not the things that God’s organization “wants or needs to focus on anymore.”
“I’m not taking any calls from that orange pudgy fuck; he’s probably never even read the Bible,” God said. “If he has, I am positive he only paid attention to the slavery and rape parts in it.”
God has indicated he’s not sure that he will re-open the lines, now that they’re closed.
“To be honest, it’s been kind of refreshing not getting a million messages basically saying, ‘Dear God please make Ivanka like me like that,’ or ‘Dear God, please smite California and all the illegal Mexicans,’ so I’d say it’s a pretttttty good bet we’re going to just permanently shut those lines off.”