WASHINGTON, D.C. — The President of the United States sent a large shipment of German geese to the Pentagon this morning, according to several sources with knowledge of the incident. The geese were meant to be used as “inspiration and instruction material” for the Pentagon to teach the soldiers who will march in the military parade being planned at the behest of the president, according to one White House aide.
“Use these birds, I think they’re called Bigger Ducks or something, to teach our brave men and women how to march in a new, better way,” Trump said in a note that accompanied the geese. “I was watching the Alt-History channel last night — IVANKA REMIND ME TO THANK STEPHEN MILLER FOR TELLING ME ABOUT THIS CHANNEL LATER, OKAY?! — and they said that all the best military parades have a special kind of march, and they said something about a Goose.”
Trump said at first he was confused when he heard about this different kind of marching.
“I really thought they meant that Goose guy from the movie Top Gun, which I didn’t watch on account of it being about military things and my bone spurs and all,” Trump wrote. “But my son, not the blonde stupid one, the really obnoxious one with the overbite who stole my name from me, he told me about this Goose guy, and I really thought that’s what we were talking about.”
However, after consulting with Hope Hicks and Miller, Trump says he got everything “straight” and decided the best way to teach the soldiers who will march in his parade “der richtige weg.” Trump told the Pentagon he wants any soldier who doesn’t march the right way to be “drummed out” of the military and sent to “special camp.”
“A camp where they can concentrate…on stuff,” Trump wrote. “In fact, let’s make those camps big enough so that, if say, some time down the law I issue a royal presidential decree — we’re still working out the details on that with our legal team — that all Americans, in the military or not, must march this way, or you know, hail me as their leader as I walk by, then we can throw them into those camps as well. Maybe use the FEMA camps Former Black Administrations have used? I don’t know. You’re the military guys, I’m just the idea guy here. You’ll figure out how to make it work.”
The geese were purchased from a goose breeder in Germany, Trump said, because he wanted the new steps the soldiers used to march to be “as authentic as possible.”
“Call me crazy, I just think the marching should be as accurate as it can be,” Trump said. “So we went with German geese, to get those steps down just right, you understand.”
Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) said Trump’s marching idea was “insane, crazy, ludicrous, and deeply stupid.”
“But they’ll prolly still do it, and I’ll definitely support it,” the source told us. “Because you know, tax cuts, fam. TAX CUTS.”
This story is developing.