At the time of publication, the Federal Reserve Bank, the Department of Labor, the New York Stock Exchange, the Dow Industrial Average, both houses of Congress, and the White House are in contact with each other as an unforeseen and never before witnessed phenomenon has taken hold of the United States’ economy.
“This morning, we have seen our economy grind to almost a complete stop,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters between bites of her deep fried protein bar she has every day for second breakfast. “And while we wanted to blame the libtards or at the very least the libtarded fake news press, the truth is that we’re seeing indicators that may not be the case, unfortunately.”
A spokesperson for the Fed said that they are watching the news closely, and are “very concerned” about what appears to be almost a complete stoppage of work from the overwhelming majority of Americans. The Department of Labor issued a statement saying they’ve contacted several hundred businesses and the overwhelming majority of them are either closed or only staffed by a handful of people today. All over the country, the Labor Department says, Americans simply could not or did not show up for work this morning.
“Of the businesses we’ve talked to, roughly 93% of them told us most people on their staff had called out sick today,” a Labor Department representative said at a press conference this morning. “First, we feared that we had to get the CDC involved because the flu epidemic had hit extinction levels, but as it turns out, there are just a lot of people who are crazy hungover this morning after watching the Eagles win the Super Bowl.”
In Super Bowl LII, played last night in Minneapolis, Minnesota, the Philadelphia Eagles stunned the New England Patriots and defeated them. The Patriots were heavily favored, but ultimately the Eagles were able to fend them off, only briefly losing the lead they secured for themselves on their very first drive. A costly fumble by Patriots quarterback Tom Brady on New England’s last drive sealed the deal for the Eagles.
“The interesting thing is that we are able to, at least on a preliminary basis, correlate the number of people not participating in the labor force this morning to roughly the same number of people who answered a Sports Illustrated poll about who they’re rooting for in the Super Bowl,” Huckabee Sanders told reporters. “Specifically a question about whether fans could root for egomaniacal cheaters. Only 7% said they would, and now we’re seeing 93% of the country’s economy not in motion because everyone is too hung over from the celebrations.”
Despite the alarm caused by 93% of the economy essentially being “paused” for a day, most experts say this will be temporary speed bump, and not a larger trend.
“I think it’s obvious people just went a little crazy with the Cheez-Wiz last night is all,” one stock broker told us. “Tomorrow, everyone will go to work and talk about watching the biggest group of hubris-filled doinks lose the biggest game on the biggest stage, but for today they need to rest and hydrate.”
This story is developing.