WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the country waits on pins and needles to see if President Trump will authorize the release of a contentious congressional memo that alleges abuse of the foreign surveillance courts by the Obama administration to spy on the Trump campaign in 2016, the man whose staff wrote the memo has perhaps just heaped a lot more fuel on the fire already raging.
Rep. Devin Nunes (R-CA), who was on the transition team for the Trump campaign as it became the Trump administration, and who has been one of the president’s most stalwart allies throughout the first year of his term, with his staff wrote the memo. Nunes claims the memo blows the lid off of rampant abuse at the FBI of the laws written that dictate how and when the government can collect intelligence on a citizen of the United States. Despite the FBI, Justice Department, and several people in the intelligence community warning that the memo is a partisan document that only serves to muddy the waters of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation, Trump seems poised to allow the memo to be released, after the House voted last week to de-classify and release it along party lines.
But this morning, Nunes may have trumped even himself when he handed a recording he says he “just found” in the halls of Congress last night. The tape, he alleges, contains a recording of former FBI Director James Comey, and most definitely not at all just Nunes himself pinching his nose and talking a little effeminately, who Trump fired last year, “spilling the beans” on a secret conspiracy that involved Comey, Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein, former President Barack Obama, Mueller, the second gunman on the grassy knoll, Chewbacca, Hitler, George Soros, and Hillary Clinton. The tapes, if verified, would seem to be direct evidence of Comey exposing the entire plan to first get Clinton elected, and if that didn’t work, to bring down Trump.
The tape starts with Comey explaining why he would risk his long, esteemed career as one of America’s top law enforcement officials to get involved in a criminal conspiracy to abuse the FISA process and get Trump removed from office.
“I just kinda looked at my lifelong career of civil service, as a Republican who was appointed by Republicans, and thought, fuck it,” a voice Nunes claims to be Comey is heard on the tape, “that’s good enough, Jim, let’s burn the whole thing to the ground because I really like the cut of Hill-dawg’s jib.”
The alleged Comey voice is heard explaining how the conspiracy started.
“Hillary Clinton wanted to win so badly that she contacted me, and asked me to sabotage her campaign in October,” Comey said. “I thought that was a brilliant plan. No one would accuse me of trying to throw the election for Hillary if I actually destroyed her chances first, and considering the reopening of the investigation was a big nothing of a story, all the better!”
Mr. Comey apparently tells someone in the room with him that he was excited to get the call from Hillary, but he knew the other members of the Deep State Secret Society would have to sign off on it first.
“We might be a secretive cabal of power-mad men and women,” Comey is heard saying, “but we’re not dictators we’re a democracy. and we hold votes to decide when and where to topple our own government. I just hope that incredibly smart guy Devin Nunes, you know the guy who craps ice cream and can leap tall buildings in a single bound, doesn’t crack the case, which he totally can because he’s smart!”
Comey, according to Nunes and his tapes, hatched a plan to get himself fired so that more lifelong Republicans could be appointed, by Trump, to the highest offices of the Justice Department and FBI. First, though, they had to get Jeff Sessions to recuse himself. Sessions is a Republican and was a surrogate for Trump’s campaign, and the alleged Comey voice says on the tape the conspirators were afraid he wouldn’t go along with the plan.
“But we promised Jeff he could personally rustle up a couple of twenty year old black men and throw them in jail for the rest of their lives for possessing marijuana and I’ve never seen that little racist cookie elf more giddy in my life,” Comey is supposedly heard saying. “We knew the key was getting our guys appointed, but we had no idea Trump would actually do it.”
Toward the end of the tape, a voice that honestly sounds a lot like Nunes himself talking through his nose and adenoids a little bit, but is apparently actually Comey according to Nunes, lays out the entire premise of the conspiracy in stark, clear terms. Another voice, that again, if we’re being honest here sounds suspiciously like Nunes’ voice, is heard asking the Comey voice for a “50,000 foot level summation of the conspiracy.”
“Four career law enforcement agents, who have risen to the top of their fields, and who are Republicans, fell so in love with a Democrat from Kenya and another one who literally murders people and does Benghazis on them, that they threw their careers and reputations out the window to get a Democrat elected, despite maybe disagreeing with her policy objectives,” the Comey voice is heard saying, “and when that failed after one of them made an unprecedented announcement about reopening an investigation into She Who Murders’ emails, they went to their other plan to bring down a president from within their own party.”
After a moment’s pause, the other voice on the tape speaks.
“Gosh, it’s so simple,” the man says. “I hope Devin Nunes, that super smart, super good looking dairy farmer from California, you know, the guy with the massive dong? Yeah, I hope he doesn’t break this whole thing wide open, which he can because he’s so friggin’ smart!”
This story is developing.