GREENFIELD, MARYLAND — 36-year-old Thomas Wifflemeyer is a dairy farmer. His father was a dairy farmer. His grandfather was, too. In fact, going back six generations, the Wifflemeyer Creamery has provided the people of Thomas’s town with their dairy needs. By all accounts, Wifflemeyer is a pillar of his community, and is a well-respected member of several groups and organizations in his berg.
Mr. Wifflemeyer told us that he had something “kind of embarrassing” happen to him last night, however, and he hopes the people of Greenfield don’t rib him too much about it once they find out. Last evening, as Thomas was finishing up work with the bulls on his farm, he checked his watch and saw that the State of the Union address would be starting soon, and he still wanted to shower off before it started. Wifflemeyer considers himself politically independent, but he is not a Trump supporter. However, Thomas still wanted to watch the speech to “stay informed,” he told us.
As Wifflemeyer was walking beside a bull he was guiding toward a pen, he slipped on some wet mud, and fell pretty hard. He landed right between the bull’s hind legs, directly under its anus. Wifflemeyer says he hit his head hard enough to knock himself completely unconscious.
“I was just walking the bull back to the pen, and WHOOPSIE DAISY, I slipped and blacked out completely,” Farmer Wifflemeyer told us. “When I woke up and found my mouth was full of the bull’s shit, I really thought at first I’d just gotten done watching the State of the Union.”
Farmer Wifflemeyer says that waking up with a mouthful of bull excrement felt “pretty close” to what watching most Trump speeches have made him feel.
“Like I had a bunch of bullshit rammed down my throat,” Thomas told us.
Since he didn’t actually get a chance to actually watch the speech, Thomas conceded that his assumptions about it might not have been true. He admitted that it was “entirely possible” President Trump “might not spew completely insane bullshit for 90 minutes.” But upon being handed a transcript of the speech, he says he had his suspicions largely confirmed.
“This guy has been pounding Democrats and calling them really childish names for a year and now he’s going to talk about bipartisanship? That might be the biggest load of bullshit ever,” Thomas said, before continuing to read. “Oh, wait, nope. There’s something about beautiful clean coal. Jesus Fucking Christ. Can someone put me back under the bull, now, please?”