AIR FORCE ONE — While flying high above the Atlantic Ocean on his way to Davos, Switzerland, President Donald Trump ordered Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders to call the “King of Swisstown or whoever runs that country” and set up a meeting with someone he called an “icon of Swissness,” and someone he’s wanted to meet with for most of his life. The president is headed to an annual meeting of some of the world’s wealthiest people, and while there he hopes to speak to the hot beverage heiress personally and privately, he told aides.
“Sarah, put down that drumstick and hop on the horn to Swiss-er-lund, will you? I want to meet with the Swiss Miss,” Trump said, a finger in the air. “I have so much to ask her about her hot cocoa production methods.”
Gently setting her KFC Extra Tasty Crispy drumstick down in a large tub of mashed potatoes she always keeps on hand for “carb-megencies,” Huckabee dutifully picked up a special phone on the plane and asked to be connected to the President of the Swiss Confederation. After being bounced around to a few different departments within the Swiss government, Huckabee eventually got through to Alain Berset, Swiss president.
“Hi, Mr. Burst-It? This is Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders aboard Trump Force One,” Huckabee said, winking at Trump as she stroked his ego by naming the plane after him. Trump winked back and threw Huckabee a treat, which she snapped out of the air to great applause aboard the jet. “I have the president here and he’d like to ask you a question, if you don’t mind?”
Huckabee handed the phone to Trump.
“Mr. President? This is President Trump,” Mr. Trump began. “You know, I just noticed something. You’re the President of the Swiss Confederation, and I was elected by the Confederate States of America, so I’m hoping we might be able to scratch each other’s backs here.”
The Swiss Confederation’s president asked Trump how he could help. Trump told him that he was in “desperate need” of a “bigly private meeting” with the Swiss Miss. There was a long, awkward pause. Trump could sense the Swiss president was a little speechless, and so he explained himself as only Trump can.
“I’ve always thought my Ivanka looks a lot like the Swiss Miss,” Trump said. “And God knows I’ve dreamed about squeezing some of her milk into my hot chocolate over the years, if you know what I mean.”
After another several long moments of silence, the Swiss president spoke.
“Mr. President, I’m afraid to tell you I cannot do this thing you ask of me,” Berset reportedly told Trump.
Trump was livid.
“EXCUSE ME? But you cannot help me? Did Sarah not tell you who I am? SARAH, DID YOU NOT FUCKING TELL THIS FUCKING FUCK WHO THE FUCK I AM?! I am the president, okay,” Trump said. “And that means you have to do what I say. At least that’s the impression I get from the way my staff and congressional Republicans roll over for me.”
The Swiss president explained that the Swiss Miss is a fictional, American character.
“I don’t care if she’s Fictional American, Asian American, or one of those uppity urbans who won’t stand for the anthem,” Trump bellowed. “You get me that Swiss Meeting or I swear to God I will nuke your country so hard.”
Trump jabbed his finger down on a big red button next to him marked “Nukes.” He heard a siren and a red light started flashing. He was handed a Game Boy from the 1990’s and told that when the Tetris blocks formed a line, that meant Switzerland would be hit with a nuclear warhead. Trump ended the call, telling the Swiss president to “kiss [his] hole ridden cheese ass goodbye.”
In an unrelated development, Chief of Staff John Kelly announced that new, special precautions to prevent a nuclear war had been tested and passed with flying colors earlier today, aboard Air Force One.