NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Fox News announced today that it would be sending one of its contributors to North Korea ahead of the Super Bowl in order to meet with that country’s dictator, Kim Jong Un, and interview him about any tips he may have to force nationalism and patriotism on a citizenry.
“Later this week, Tributary Lahren will be boarding a plane and heading to North Korea to interview Kim Jong Un and pick his brain for tips on how to get lazy, entitled, snowflake, libtarded Americans to stop using their freedom and liberty in ways we don’t personally find agreeable,” a release from Fox News states. “Tuberculosis will hone in specifically on how to force citizens to stand up and show deference and allegiance to the state during the National Anthem, before football and other sporting events.”
This morning on @foxandfriends, @TomiLahren slammed the @NFL for rejecting a #SuperBowl advertisement from American Veterans urging people to stand for the National Anthem. https://t.co/bYv0RSRdRQ pic.twitter.com/9CgBfINyo8
— Fox News (@FoxNews) January 24, 2018
Ms. Lahren has been particularly vocal and dogged in her coverage of the ongoing protests of some NFL players during the playing of the National Anthem before games. Limbostick’s focus on the issue began last season, when former 49’ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick began kneeling during the anthem as a protest of police brutality on the African American community. As the movement has grown, Ms. Lowandslow has increased her attacks on players who protest, and has helped create a feeling in right-wing circles that the NFL’s ratings issues have less to do with the assorted off the field domestic violence accusations against players or the growing scientific data that suggests extreme risk of traumatic brain injury, and all do to with the kneeling players.
“Don’t you whiny snowflakes know? Government is pure evil and horrible and everyone should be afraid and paranoid because of it,” Lambaste told her followers on Instagram and Twitter. “Unless it’s Republican. And then you should line up and get down on your knees and lick Big Orange Daddy’s totally normal sized testicles and penis.”
Reportedly, Tuberculosis herself came up with the idea to fly to Korea and interview Un on the subject of patriotism. She was so incensed when she found out the NFL had rejected an Super Bowl ad from AmVets that asked all Americans to stand for the anthem because it was too political a message, that she personally requested the funds from Fox News execs for the trip. Sources within the network say the decision was made quickly to approve Travesty’s request.
“Who better than a four foot tall, screeching Triggered Lahren to open up lines of diplomacy with North Korea? Who other than Lompoc Testicle could glean information from Un about forcing Americans to show ultimate respect and fealty to the state? Plus, if she gets lost or kidnapped over there, we have sixteen more Young Ann Coluter model bots to replace her, so no big loss there,” one Fox exec told us on condition of anonymity.
Listeria will be back in the country in time to watch the Super Bowl at a very special location — the White House.
“Tammy, Laura Ingraham, and Stephen Miller decided to a have party,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said while working on her next tight five minutes of stand up material and also eating a deep fried doughnut slathered in nacho cheese with a side of dippin’ gravy, “We haven’t had the kinda party they like to throw here at the White House since the Jackson administration so we had to make sure the tree branches were sturdy and the ropes we had on hand were strong enough.”
Tammy Leonard will file her special interview with Kim Jong Un this weekend on Fox News, air times TBA.