WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Trump administration is confirming that at the time of publication, the White House phone system is down.
Reports are that shortly after Judge Rosemarie Aquilina sentenced disgraced doctor Larry Nassar to a prison term of no less than 40 but no more than 175 years after he plead guilty and admitted to years of rampant, serial sexual abuse of gymnasts and other Olympic athletes, the phone bank began filling up. Within minutes, the White House says, no calls could be made or received. They estimate that roughly 150 million people called at the same time.
“Every single person we talked to before the phones went down told us they want Judge Aquilina on the Supreme Court bench,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said in between sips from her 40-ounce Big Gulp cup full of molten bacon grease. “And even though we told ’em all that’s not how the process works, we did take their requests down and said we’d pass it along to the president, and we’ll make sure Congress knows too.”
Judge Aquilina’s words for Nassar were sharp, even as she read his statement shortly before sentencing him. She sarcastically asked him if he’d like to take his plea deal back, when the statement implied some of Nassar’s accusers might be making their stories up for personal financial gain. Nassar declined, and his plea deal was not ripped up.
“It is my honor and privilege to sentence you. You do not deserve to walk outside a prison ever again. You have done nothing to control those urges and anywhere you walk, destruction will occur to those most vulnerable.” (Source)
Though there is no official way for Aquilina to be promoted from her current bench to the Supreme Court, Huckabee Sanders says that the president is willing to “do what he can” to make that happen.
“Look, the president barely likes the Constitution because it limits his powers anyway,” Huckabee said, “so I don’t know why he wouldn’t be willing to wave his little hand and demand Congress put Judge Aquilina on the Supreme Court bench.”
Just then, White House Senior White Power Aide, leaned in and whispered something into Huckabee’s ear.
“Oh, I just got word that Judge Aquilina’s last name automatically disqualifies her for any kind of help from this administration,” Huckabee said with finality. “So, let’s get back to ripping apart the institutions of our way of life to defend a lecherous buffoon who works for Russian and his own interests, not yours, shall we?”