WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite copious reporting of it, there was no school shooting in Kentucky yesterday, per the White House press office.
“Obviously, when the initial reports started coming in were gravely concerned to find out a school in Trump Country had been the site of a deadly shooting,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said. “If the reports came from Cuckifornia or Jew York, on the other hand, well, I think even you MORON IDIOT FUCKFACE reporters — geez, who farted in your elevator, it was a joke guys — could predict how much we’d care then.”
However alarmed the White House was initially, Huckabee says as key details about the shooting started to come in, they were quickly relieved.
“As it was reported and confirmed that the 15 year old shooter was neither a Muslim nor a Mexican or other immigrant skin tone, we were obviously all very relieved, especially the president,” Huckabee confirmed. “Because we all know unless a Muslim or immigrant committed it, it didn’t happen.”
Huckabee Sanders says that the president will be issuing no formal statement of sympathy or condolence for the shooting victims’ families, because there simply was no shooting to acknowledge.
“Look, from now on if you reference this alleged event, we’re going to call it fake news and ignore you,” Huckabee Sanders said. “This administration has way too much on its plate between tweeting, tweeting about Crooked Hillary, tweeting about the obvious deep state attempt to overthrow the most popular and well-loved president of all time, and tweeting about Mexicans and Muslims, to get into the weeds of shootings that didn’t even happen.”
When Jim Acosta from CNN tried to ask a question about the shooting, Huckabee gave him the finger, then put it and her other middle finger in her ears and started screaming, “LA LA LA! I CAN’T HEAR YOU LA LA LA! FAKE NEWS FAKE NEWS! LA LA LA!” She ordered Acosta removed from the White House grounds and summarily farted on, which she carried out herself.
“I knew there was a reason I asked for extra gravy with my KFC extra tasty crispy breading crumbs I had for a snack this morning,” Huckabee Sanders said, lifting her leg and spraying a foul smelling odor all over Acosta’s face, even into his mouth a little bit. “Suck on that, LIBTURD. JUST JOKING, JEEZ I LOVE THE PRESS.”
After approximately ten minutes of Huckabee farting in Acosta’s face, she ended the impromptu press conference, admonishing the reporters not to even think about asking her about a shooting that didn’t actually happen.
“You can go into your little Fake News bunkers now, we’re done here. There was no shooting in Kentucky at a school yesterday, and anyone who tells you there is is putting the lives of illegal Mexican-Muslim-immigrant-abortionist-drug dealing-Satan worshiping-DEMOCRAT VOTERS ahead of America. And we all know what we say around here — America First, After Russia.”
This story is developing.