KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Last week, explosive allegations that President Donald Trump and adult film star Stormy Daniels had a sexual affair that lasted over numerous encounters, during which time then Citizen Trump was the star on NBC’s The Apprentice. Trump’s wife, Almost First Lady Melania Trump, was pregnant with Trump’s youngest son Barron at the time. Reportedly, the affair went on at least a little while after Barron was born.
This news would have potentially sent shock waves through the evangelical Christian, Religious Right, it was presumed, as this kind of behavior has been decried when it was discovered that presidents like John F. Kennedy, FDR, and Bill Clinton carried on extramarital affairs. However, Franklin Graham, televangelist and big Trump supporter, attempted set questions of Trump’s moral turpitude aside this week. Appearing in an interview with CNN’s Don Lemon, Graham defended Trump’s affairs as different from those of other presidents because it happened before he was in office.
Graham also said he believes Trump when he said he didn’t have the affair.
“There is a lot of presidents that have had rough language and a lot of these things that have been accused of the President, I am not sure are true,” Graham said. “He says he didn’t do it. And the others that said he didn’t do it.” (CNN)
This morning, Jesus Hubert Christ, Executive Vice-President of Holy Trinity, Inc, a company that has used Graham as a freelance salesman from time to time, announced that he had scheduled a “Come To Jesus” meeting with Graham because of his commentary on the matter.
“This morning I reached out to Mr. Graham and told him he needs to get with my secretary and book a Come to Me meeting,” Christ said. “I have some major problems with what he’s saying down there on Earth. For starters, I didn’t nor did my father put anyone in the White House. We don’t do politics, we’ve never done politics, and there’s a good Dad-damned reason why I told humans to pay Caesar what’s due Caesar and pay Dad what’s due Dad. Mainly — we don’t fucking do politics.”
Beyond the issue of Graham trying to insert he and his father into a worldly political debate, Christ says he’s “really concerned” about Graham’s “blatant and utter hypocrisy” on the issue of morality in marriage.
“Hey, I’ve never given a shit about gay marriage, even if Dad did, initially,” Christ explained. “What can I say, he’s a product of his infinite times, know what I mean? But Frank Graham has been one of the loudest voices out there decrying marriage equality. He’s been one of the most vocal and outspoken critics of Bill Clinton’s sexual escapades. The level of Graham’s hypocrisy here is outrageous to me. Why wasn’t he willing to show the same Christian grace and forgiveness towards Clinton? Partisan politics bullshit? Yeah, we don’t do that in our organization, not on my watch we don’t.”
During the meeting, Jesus intends to provide “remedial training on basic Christianity” to Graham.
“Basically I’ll remind him that he’s supposed to be preaching compassionate, tolerance, and non-judgmental care for everyone, regardless of how he personally feels about their choices in life,” Christ said. “I’ll remind him I never checked a voter registration card before caring for the sick, and I didn’t take a snap poll of the masses to get their political leanings before I fed them with bread and fish.”
Jesus will also “lay the smack down” on Graham for his “flagrant violations of the Ten Commandments.”
“Thou shalt not bear false witness applies to saying self-evidently false crap about politicians,” Jesus said. “And there is no way a man that dismissed grabbing women by their pusses is a changed man. There’s no way that a man who implied a woman couldn’t show up to moderate a debate because she was bleeding too much from her menstruation isn’t a changed man. Graham looks like every bit the liar Trump is, and if he’s not careful, we’re going to rip our sales contract with him. Doesn’t seem like he’s interested in how we actually operate up here anyway.”
Mr. Graham was not able to be reached for comment.