PharmTek Incorporated, a subsidiary of Galactic Chemical Enterprises, announced a new contraceptive they’ve been developing over the last two years is ready for a crucial testing phase, and if it passes those clinical trials, they will send it to the Food and Drug Administration for final approval. What makes this new contraceptive so newsworthy is the fact that it is auditory. In other words, people who use it will be rendered incapable of conceiving a human child, simply by listening to it.
“We are pleased to announce that Screechitol should be ready for final FDA approval by the third or fourth quarter of 2018,” Guy Lalue, Pharmtek’s Chief Media Liaison told reporters this morning. “It’s exciting to think that with just a simple pair of ordinary headphones or earbuds and Screcchitol, the number of unplanned pregnancies could be cut dramatically.”
Lalue explained, briefly, how Screechitol works to those present at the press conference.
“What we did is we took all the monologues and diatribes that right-wing commentator Tammy Lahren has ever recorded, and put them on an infinite loop on a bank of servers with 24/7 up time,” Lalue explained. “So that way, just before any couple is about to engage in sexual intercourse, if one or both of them slip on a pair of headphones and uses their smartphone, tablet, or PC to reach our Screechitol servers, they’ll lose any and all sexual sensation and therefore be rendered incapable of procreation.”
Screechitol is non-habit forming, Pharmtek says, because of how unique a contraceptive it is.
“No one will want to expose themselves to Screechitol in a recreational setting, so there’s no need to worry about addiction,” Lalue said. “I used to think the whole reason Lahren condenses her alleged thoughts into short clips just a couple minutes long was because she’s not smart enough to put together a salient argument much longer than that. But now I realize she does that so that the conservative movement doesn’t die off, because our trials have shown that within 30 seconds of exposure to Lahren’s voice, erections drop at a truly pandemic rate.”
In case of accidental conservative exposure to Screechitol, Pharmtek recommends keeping a picture of your first through second cousin on your nightstand, to re-establish erectile functionality. Erections that don’t return within four hours should be attended to by a medical professional.
“We’ve tried similar experiments with Ann Coulter’s diatribes, but found that most people who listen to Coulter talk on loop for extended periods of time end up joining the Klan, but they still had fully functional boners,” Lalue said. “So we think we’ve hit on a very winning formula here.”