MOSCOW, RUSSIA — Russian President Vladimir Putin has sent a strongly worded letter to American President In Name Only Donald Trump, demanding that the U.S. re-open its government.
“Mr. Trump, I must remind you that my rubles guaranteed certain things, one of which is 24/7 operational time,” Putin’s letter states. “Therefore, I must tell you it is quite disturbing and concerning to me to see this shadow government shutdown in effect. Please immediately reopen my government; I paid for it, and I’d like to use it please, thank you.”
Putin tells Trump in the letter that he would like a partial refund on the January 2018 payment he’s already made.
“I’d like to have my January bill prorated, and the appropriate refund put back into my account, Donald. I’m not paying for services I don’t get to enjoy,” Putin writes. “It’d be like if my cable company didn’t have ESPN for an entire month; I would NOT pay them the full amount. Or to put it in a way you’d understand — would you pay for a pee pee prostitute if she didn’t pee on you or look like Ivanka? Same thing, really, Don.”
Though the White House has yet to send an official response to Putin’s request, sources in the Trump administration say the president is “bigly worried” about offending “Big Daddy Vlad” and will be working very hard to re-open the government very soon.
“The president is frankly a little beside himself that all his angry tweeting and accusations thrown at Democrats haven’t brought nine Democrats to the table to help us,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said in between bites of a deep fried, nacho cheese covered Slim Jim. “I mean, technically since four Republicans area also against the bill, we’d have to get them to come around too, but let’s focus all our hatred where it belongs…YOU ASSHOLES IN THE MEDIA…oh, wait, sorry, wrong script. I mean, the Democrat Party.”
In his letter, President Putin says that Trump allowing the government to shutdown is “unacceptable” and “violates the sales agreement” between the two.
“My sales receipt clearly says ‘SHADOW GOVERNMENT’ in the memo line, Donny,” Putin writes. “So, do the right thing, would you, kindly?”
Trump may try reasoning with Putin, Huckabee said, arguing that the shutdown could be good for Putin in other ways.
“The president plans to tell Mr. Putin that the shutdown will keep the American people distracted from Special Counsel Mueller’s investigation into the campaign’s collusion with Russia,” Huckabee said, licking her fingers clean after devouring a small frog in a tank next to her on her dais. “So hopefully he listens to a little bit of reason and stops acting like Bantha poodoo! Oh oh oh! Ah ah ah!”
This story is developing.
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