COLORADO SPRINGS, COLORADO — In a surprising and completely unforeseen development, the United States Olympic Committee announced today that it has added the country’s best athlete to its roster for the upcoming Winter Olympics in South Korea next month.
“We are bigly pleased to announce that America’s top athlete, President Donald J. Trump, has been admitted onto our team’s rosters, and he will compete in the 2018 Winter Olympic Games next month,” USOC junior deputy media liaison Helen Shinglebottom told reporters this morning. “We are looking forward to him helping us sweep the games and take home every Gold Medal possible.”
President Trump will complete in every single event, both the male and female iterations. Shinglebottom says that it’s a “bold and unusual” move, but one that she thinks the International Olympic Committee will have no problem approving. She says the IOC will be “just as curious about what the best athlete in the history of the world” can accomplish, and will want him competing in as many events as possible.
“Imagine the ratings these games will get when the world realizes it’s watching its finest athlete destroy his competition, in event after event,” Shinglebottom said. “It’s a win-win for everyone, in the grand scheme of things.”
Shinglebottom says the USOC isn’t too concerned about Trump’s learning curve on a slew of games he’s perchance never participated in. It’s unclear at this time if he’s ever traveled in a luge, or if he’s ever curled, though Shinglebottom says he has “definitely spent most of his time in office curled up on the couch watching Fox News, so that prolly counts for something….prolly.”
“He’s such a tremendous athlete, and frankly a physical specimen, that we have every confidence in his performance in all the events,” Shinglebottom insists.
Reached for comment, President Trump said he is “bigly honored” to be on the Olympic Team, but not surprised.
“Look, I’ve been seen saying it for my whole life — I am the model of athleticism and a healthy, active lifestyle,” Trump said. “So frankly, I’m shocked it took them this long to ask me. I could’ve cleaned up in Moscow back in 1980, whichever team I was on. God knows I’m familiar enough with that city. Or at least, certain establishments. I mean, you know, the ones where whores piss on you, you get it.”
Trump has special plans for the myriad gold medals that will be draped from his muscular, healthy neck.
“I will take my Gold Medals, melt them down, and use them to emblazon the White House with my name, just as all my properties have,” Trump said proudly between bites of a KFC drumstick smothered in Taco Bell nacho cheese and sandwiched between a Big Mac and Whopper that were piled on top of each other and deep fried. “It’s hard work being this damn in shape, but I do it for my people, to inspire them.”
Mr. Trump did say there was some mild disappointment he was feeling about the whole situation, no matter how honored he is.
“I don’t know why Vladimir didn’t ask me first; I’m already used to playing for the Russians anyway,” Trump said.
This story is developing.