New Study Reveals Inverse Relationship Between Penis Size And Times Word “Cuck” Is Used

One of the nation’s leading scientific research organizations has concluded that the more someone uses the word “cuck” in their everyday speech, the smaller their penis tends to be. The term cuck is Internet slang for “cuckold,” a word that up until the digital age was used to mean any man whose wife had an extramarital affair. However, in the digital age, online pornographers shortened the word to “cuck,” and films that feature “cuckolding” more often than not have a theme of a young, white wife who has sex with a large, African-American male, most often in front of her husband.

While it’s been generally accepted that these types of sex films have racist undertones, the alt-right political scene — those who identify as anything from hard line libertarians to anarchist capitalists — have started using the term as a pejorative insult. Anyone they feel is a “beta male” is labeled as a “cuck.” Even those who usually identify as having conservative values are called “cuckservatives” if they, for example, think the 1964 Civil Rights Act was a good idea.

Now, the National Institute For Sciencey Stuff has released the findings of a comprehensive, three year study that they say shows an inverse relationship between penis size and the number of times one says “cuck” in their day to day lives.

“Over the period of three years,” Dr. Susan Miller of the NIFSS told reporters, “we studied the penis lengths of men who called people cucks in online discussions. What we found was that it would appear that for every time one of them calls you a cuck, they lose about an eighth of an inch in their penis length.”

This relationship could be “devastating” for some men’s rights activists and gun rights advocates.

“Let’s face it,” Dr. Miller said, “a lot of these men have short dicks — scientific term — to begin with. Hence why they lash out at women and buy every gun they can get their hands on. This relationship could be devastating. They already don’t have a lot to work with, if you know what I mean.”

Dr. Miller said for some alt-right commenters, it could be a “one and done” situation.

“Let’s put it this way,” Miller said, “depending on what you’re starting with, the first time you call someone a cuck my be your penis’s last.”

The NIFSS will be putting out a series of public service announcements on the radio, TV, and on websites where people who use the word “cuck” frequent the most — like Reason, InfoWars, and Stormfront. The PSAs will focus on teaching alt-right commenters they are risking permanent penile loss by using the term.

You can read satire like this on The Political Garbage Chute and Alternative Facts.

James' newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at

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