WASHINGTON, D.C. — Though sitting presidents usually do not write books, seeking to avoid accusations of enriching themselves with the Oval Office, President Donald Trump regularly defies accepted norms, and will be publishing a “diet, health, and lifestyle” how to book.
Entitled, “How To Eat & Look Like Literal Garbage But Somehow Be A Specimen Of Human Health And Vigor,” Trump announced today that the book will hit shelves later this year, and will focus on giving Americans tips on how to achieve that “perfect, lumpy sack of squirming possums” body that actual doctors now apparently believe are indicative of remarkable health. Trump announced the new book in the Oval Office this morning, his feet up on the Resolute Desk with a Twinkie in one hand, and a Diet Coke in the other.
“It occurred to me watching Dr. Jackson give that bigly thorough rundown of my, let’s be frank here, Adonis-like body and health statistics, that many of my base — my HUGE and powerful base that’s certainly not a dwindling number of partisans and ideologues and simpletons — would want to know how I do it,” Trump said.
So he called his First Lady to the Oval and asked her to get to work on helping him write the book.
“And I told Ivanka, I want this to be a really great book. A book like all the books I love to read,” Trump said. “So it better have big pictures or be a pop-up book. Or both! Ooh! Can it be both! IVANKA, MAKE MY FUCKING BOOK A POP-UP BOOK WITH BIGLY PICTURES!”
Ms. Trump was not in the room at the time.
“So what we’re gonna do is get all my favorite recipes and put them in the book,” Trump said. “We’re calling McDonald’s, KFC, and Burger King right now to see if they’ve got those recipes on like a 3×5 card or something, you know? It’d be real nice if the recipes had pictures and pop-ups though…IVANKA, TELL KFC AND BURGER KING AND McDONALD’S THAT I WANT THE RECIPES TO BE ON CARDS WITH BIG PICTURES AND POP-UPS”
The president’s book will also contain financial tips from a “bonafide financial genius.”
“Do you know how much business sense it takes to get a small million dollar loan from your dad and turn that into a bunch of failed casinos, and terrible products like shitty steaks and bottled water? Bigly lots,” Trump said. “Bigly fucking lots!”
Trump was asked by a reporter why he’s releasing the book now, instead of waiting until he’s out of office.
“I’m not just president okay? I’m also a D-List reality TV star,” Trump declared, “which means doing desperate stuff to stay in the spotlight and feel relevant, okay?”
“How To Eat & Look Like Literal Garbage But Somehow Be A Specimen Of Human Health And Vigor” will be published by Izdatel’skiy Putin, a Russian company, which Trump says is nothing, just “a little business collusion.”