Helen Nguyen considers herself a “pragmatic realist.” Recently, she had her pragmatism tested, but she tells us she came out on the other side just fine, with a “renewed spirit of whatever.”
“I was having a really shitty day. Just an absolute nightmare of a day,” Helen told us. “Apparently my bank thought my gas and electric payment was made without my knowledge and they reversed it, which made the electric company cut off the power and heating to my home.”
It got worse from there for Helen.
“On the way to the electric company, I had to stop by the bank to get the cash out to pay the bill in person,” Ms. Nguyen told us. “And when I left the bank, I noticed I had a flat tire. I must have picked up a nail or something. I didn’t have a spare because I just hadn’t had time to get a new one. So two hours, a two, and an Uber ride later, I was standing in line to pay my bill at the electric company, and then I sharted.”
Helen had been forced to eat Taco Bell on the way to the bank earlier that morning, because it was the only cheap, affordable place to eat without a huge line. Helen knew she needed to get the lights and heating back on in her home before her kids got back from school. So she ate some Taco Bell breakfast items, and there, waiting in line to pay her gas bill, she let loose a fart that was wet and dangerous.
“Goddamnit. I can’t believe I just fucking sharted,” Helen said out loud. “And I can’t believe I just said that out loud!”
Undaunted, Nguyen says she grabbed some leftover Taco Bell napkins from her purse, wadded them up, and jammed them into her butt crack to try and “minimize the damage” to her underpants and prevent seepage.
“I clenched my asshole so tightly I considered becoming a Republican, but I didn’t care. I wanted to pay that bill. I had to pay that bill, and no amount of accidental defecation was going to stop me,” Helen told us.
Eventually, she got the bill paid, and within ninety minutes power and heat was restored to her house. By then, though, her family’s gold fish had frozen to death. To top it all off, she got a call from her aunt and her father had just had a massive stroke and died while she was waiting in line to pay her gas bill.
“All in all it was easily one of the worst days of my life,” Helen told us. “But you know, I have to say I’m mildly comforted by one fact. As bad as today was, and it was fucking horrible, it could always be worse tomorrow; that’s the true beauty about this random meaningless existence of ours, isn’t it? I’m not saying this makes me feel great; just you know, less shitty, knowing everyone’s life is a pile of worthless shit, know what I mean?”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.