MOSCOW, RUSSIA — Today, Russian President Vladimir Putin made a phone call to Secondary American President Donald Trump and dictated a list of resolutions Putin would like Mr. Trump to set as goals for himself in the coming year.
“Donald! My little orange marionette, I hope this holiday season finds you well,” Putin said as the call began. “Hey, real quick, you got something to write with? I have some assignments for you. Let’s call them New Year’s resolutions, da?”
Mr. Trump grabbed a pencil, which looked quite huge in his hands according to sources within the White House, and began taking dictation.
“Okay, first, Donny, I want you to work on your health. You like an orangutan got drunk and fucked another orangutan, but that one was also racist and had tiny hands,” Putin said. “Next, I want to pick a First Lady. All this going back and forth between Ivanka and Melania is exhausting for your pubic. Secondly, going to need you to change the White House’s Wi-Fi password again so my comrades can get a look at your files. Somebody keeps changing it from ILoveVlad1469.”
Trump dutifully wrote the items down, stopping only to say, “Yes, Daddy,” every so often.
“Also, Donald, you need fire Bob Mueller and hire me to replace him,” Putin said. “Just call me Johnny Patriotman and no one will be the wiser. Your idiot son Don Jr. keeps doing everything he can to draw attention to our relationship, and you need to send him and your other stupid son Eric off on a hunting trip to Mars. Tell them there are elephants on Mars. Eric will believe it, and Don Jr. will be so eager to please you so you might one day love him like you only love Ivanka that he’ll build the rocket ship himself.”
Over the course of half an hour, President Putin gave Not Really President Trump item after item for the alleged billionaire to put on his list of resolutions. Each one would be added by Trump, who needed three crayons to complete the list.
“And finally, Donald, I’d like for you to get the NFL players to stand for our national anthem, please, all of them,” Putin said.
Trump laughed nervously.
“But Daddy, I’ve already tried to! Those uppity URBANS won’t listen to me,” Trump said. “What am I supposed to do.”
It was Putin’s turn to laugh, but this time, in earnest.
“Not YOUR national anthem, OURS,” Putin said. “As in, the anthem we share now, you and me. The Russian one.”
Trump promised he’d do his best to put pressure on NFL owners to get their players to stand for the Russian national anthem, and the two men spent several minutes trying to get the other one to say “I love you” and “goodbye” first.
This story is developing.