MAR-A-LAGO, FLORIDA — Just hours after triumphantly declaring a victory in the War on Christmas, President Donald Trump gave a late Christmas gift to his base and he declared the South had actually won the Civil War, demanding historians re-write the record for all time.
“For too long, the liberal agenda in this country has been to incorrectly give the North the credit for winning Lincoln’s War of Aggression,” Trump said. “And even though he was the man who put my party on the political map, it is time for history to be re-written. We’ve heard for so long that the South shall rise again, and I am here to tell you, today is that day!”
Acknowledging the fact that technically General Robert E. Lee surrendered on behalf of the Confederacy to General Ulysses S. Grant of the Union Army at the Appomattox court house in 1865, President Trump said he and his advisers found a loophole and have decided to engage it, in order to shift credit for winning the Civil War to the South instead.
“A lot of people don’t realize this, but of course I do. You can win all kinds of things in this country, even if by all other measures you lose,” Trump said. “All you have to do is invoke the Electoral College. Like, let’s just say, hypodermically of course, that someone gets three million more votes than you. Guess what? You still win! The Electoral College makes winners of losers and their unpopular ideas and ways of thinking. It’s kind of genius and I’m so glad I invented it.”
A reporter piped up and told Mr. Trump that the founders, who created the Constitution, might technically be the ones who invented the Electoral College.
“That’s not my understanding, FAKE NEWS. I’m told by people that I browbeat into creating a fantasy world around me where I never deal with consequences or see how hated I am that I, in fact, invented the Electoral College,” Trump shot back at the reporters.
Reached for comment, ousted Trump adviser Steve Bannon said the gesture was “sweet, but too little too late.”
“He kicked me out of the White House, so no matter how much he turns me on with what he does, I will never love him again,” Bannon said, a tear forming in his right eye that quickly turned into batter acid and smelled like bourbon and lynching rope.
This story is developing.