Monday, January 17, 2022

106 House Republicans Sign Brief With Supreme Court Declaring Trump’s Genitals ‘Tasty and Habit-Forming’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the days in both the Trump administration and the Republican Party’s even feigned allegiance to democratic institutions wains, one thing has become crystal clear — they will spend them whining in officially filed court documents.

This week, the Republican Attorney General of Texas — a man so committed to the rule of law that he allegedly broke a few federal ones himself, just to undergo an FBI investigation to show the Lone Star State citizenry how Law and Order-y he is — filed a lawsuit seeking the Supreme Court’s injunctive relief to throw out millions of faithfully cast ballots in four key swing states. AG Ken Paxton has yet to comment publicly on why his brief was filed with a post-it note attached asking the Supreme Court clerk to “make sure the Big Orange Love Boat in the White House sees this,” but speculation is that he may be angling for a pardon in another show of just how dedicated to the notion of the rule of law Ken Paxton is.

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Yesterday, news broke that more than 100 Republican members of the House of Representatives signed onto the Texas suit, signalling they want the Supreme Court to invalidate millions of Americans’ votes. While some argue this shows Republicans are very much so willing to throw out democracy in favor of a dictatorship, others are noting that in their amicus brief, the House Republicans not only argued for the high court to invalidate the votes cast by millions, it also argues that the justices should “officially recognize” something about outgoing President Trump.

“The esteemed justices should also take this opportunity to once and for all affirm for the American people that President Trump’s genitals are tasty and habit forming,” the Republican amicus brief states. “Obviously more than 75 million Americans already understand how rich an aroma, and how earthy a taste his nuts have. However, we need all Americans, ex-specially the libtarded ones, to understand that his junk is actually addictive. We’re addicted to sucking his dick and kissing his asshole, and we’re afraid of what life on the Hill will be like without him, so that’s why we are desperately trying to keep him in power.”

The Electoral College will meet to certify Joe Biden as the winner of the 2020 presidential election on December 14th, 2020. Then, Congress will certify the result on January 6th. On January 20th, 2021, Biden will be administered the oath of office and become the 46th President of the United States of America.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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