Monday, August 15, 2022

Betsy DeVos Is Pretty Sure She’s Heard Of This School Thing You Keep Talking About

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last night, 60 Minutes aired an interview that Leslie Stahl conducted with Donald Trump’s Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos. It probably didn’t go the way Trump or DeVos would have wanted it to.

Throughout the interview, Ms. DeVos gave contradictory answers, incomplete answers, and was even unable to answer basic questions about the education system in her own home state. The interview has exposed Secretary DeVos to harsh criticism that questions her fitness and preparedness for her job. This morning, at a prayer breakfast that also featured Vice President High Religious Inquisitor Mike Pence, DeVos pushed back on her critics.

“You don’t have to understand how something works if you’re going to dismantle or destroy it,” DeVos explained to those attending the breakfast. “I don’t have to be a certified mechanic to strap a  car bomb to a Chevy and blow it up.”

After the prayer breakfast was over, DeVos was stopped by various news outlets and asked some more questions.

“Secretary DeVos, at times during the 60 Minutes interview, you seemed lost, and confused, almost like you’ve never heard the word school before,” one reporter from The Dallas Morning Gazette asked the Education Secretary. “Would you care to respond to some of your critics who say that you probably don’t even know what a school is, or what it’s for?”

DeVos looked shocked and taken aback.

“What kind of fool would say I don’t know what school is?! Of course I do,” DeVos declared. “You guys keep talking about school around me, so of course I’m going to do my research and eventually figure out what a school is, okay? Of course I know what a school is, don’t be silly! I mean, I think I do…wait, let me check something real quick.”

Ms. DeVos reached into her $4,000 purse and pulled out her smartphone. She fiddled with it for a bit, asking one of her assistants how to spell “dictionary.” DeVos handed her phone to her assistant after another frustrating fifteen minutes. The assistant brought up a dictionary website and handed the phone back to his boss.

“Okay, so S-K-O-O-O-O-O-L. School,” DeVos said as she tapped the letters into her phone. “Huh. Nothing is coming up. Anyway, let me make some guesses, okay? Is school where you go to get more money out from one of those machines? No? Hmm. Is school where you go to practice shooting your gun? No? Well, gosh darn it everyone, give me a few weeks and I’ll get back to you okay?”

Secretary DeVos pushed the reporters out of her way and was ushered into a waiting town car. She gave everyone what she thought was the finger from inside her car, but she was in fact just holding up her thumb, making it look like instead that she was telling the press they’d done a good job.

The White House could not be reached for comment.

Satire can also be found on The Political Garbage Chute and Alternative Facts.

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